Am I to blame?

People get into relationships to feel happy, to feel less lonely, to feel loved. To finally have that someone who they can share their happiness, their joy, their ideas, and just their life with.  These people who claim to love us, are our sort of comfort, a kind of escape from the rest of the World. Someone we can be ourselves with. Someone we can be at ease with.

I met a guy, a couple of months back. We started of as friends, and it developed into something more, I really liked him, and became sort of attached. You know the usual routine, we started hanging out alone a lot, movies, late night conversations, etc etc. And it felt right, you know? I felt happy. Until some of our friends came to know.. we panicked, we made a quick decision to tell people we were in a relationship. At first it was weird, because this was my first open relationship, the first relationship people knew about. But eventually, I got used to it, and things were getting better for us.

I realized, with time, that although I really like him, we’re very different people. We always fight, sometimes we have nothing to talk about. He doesn’t try to understand me, he has come up with some sort of explanation of the sort of person I am, and he sticks to it, thinking that he’s right. Thinking he has me all figured out. 

He feels really insecure, he get’s annoyed whenever I get a little too friendly with a guy. Which in turn annoys me as I have more guy friends than girlfriends.

I love this guy, and I try to make him happy. And I wish he could make me happy too..

I know everything about this guy, I know everything he likes and everything he hates, I know how much he hates swimming and how he loves milkshakes from that cafe across the street. I can order his food for him. I met his entire family, even though families creep me out. I know his favourite colours, and that he likes stripey shirts. I know big things, and I know little things, like even though he tries to act tough, he cried at his sister’s wedding. And I think that’s like fuck adorable.

But I call him up a couple of days ago, and I’m left shocked and heart-broken at the fact that he doesn’t remember when my birthday is..

That’s when I realised that there’s no future with him. I can try to make it work all I want, but in the end he’s gonna make me feel like I’m the one who’s wrong in this relationship. I try and I try, but I’m left lost and alone. This is not what a person does when he claims to love you more than words can explain. Haha..

 

I guess I’m just tired of trying to fix something that’s hopeless. 

 

XOXO,

Sillyme.