Am I to blame?

People get into relationships to feel happy, to feel less lonely, to feel loved. To finally have that someone who they can share their happiness, their joy, their ideas, and just their life with.  These people who claim to love us, are our sort of comfort, a kind of escape from the rest of the World. Someone we can be ourselves with. Someone we can be at ease with.

I met a guy, a couple of months back. We started of as friends, and it developed into something more, I really liked him, and became sort of attached. You know the usual routine, we started hanging out alone a lot, movies, late night conversations, etc etc. And it felt right, you know? I felt happy. Until some of our friends came to know.. we panicked, we made a quick decision to tell people we were in a relationship. At first it was weird, because this was my first open relationship, the first relationship people knew about. But eventually, I got used to it, and things were getting better for us.

I realized, with time, that although I really like him, we’re very different people. We always fight, sometimes we have nothing to talk about. He doesn’t try to understand me, he has come up with some sort of explanation of the sort of person I am, and he sticks to it, thinking that he’s right. Thinking he has me all figured out. 

He feels really insecure, he get’s annoyed whenever I get a little too friendly with a guy. Which in turn annoys me as I have more guy friends than girlfriends.

I love this guy, and I try to make him happy. And I wish he could make me happy too..

I know everything about this guy, I know everything he likes and everything he hates, I know how much he hates swimming and how he loves milkshakes from that cafe across the street. I can order his food for him. I met his entire family, even though families creep me out. I know his favourite colours, and that he likes stripey shirts. I know big things, and I know little things, like even though he tries to act tough, he cried at his sister’s wedding. And I think that’s like fuck adorable.

But I call him up a couple of days ago, and I’m left shocked and heart-broken at the fact that he doesn’t remember when my birthday is..

That’s when I realised that there’s no future with him. I can try to make it work all I want, but in the end he’s gonna make me feel like I’m the one who’s wrong in this relationship. I try and I try, but I’m left lost and alone. This is not what a person does when he claims to love you more than words can explain. Haha..

 

I guess I’m just tired of trying to fix something that’s hopeless. 

 

XOXO,

Sillyme.

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Voices.

Confused and lost,
I stand alone,
In the crowd that surrounds me,
I look for clues,
Things unknown,
Trying to find some answers.
“How to fit in?”
I ask for help, I scream, I shout.
I get back nothing, why?
“They can’t hear you”,
The voices say.
I’m faceless, voiceless, abandoned, gone.
Not dead, but not alive either,
Like a ghost with a beating heart.
Giving up on those hopeless people,
Crawl back to my Secret hole.
It’s dark now, and night is near,
I look above at the twinkling lights,
Hoping for advise, some inspiration,
I get nothing, and I doze off, tired,
With a prayer for a better tomorrow.

Sweet Escape…

Wow, it’s been a while since I actually sat myself down and written anything, doodling in my French text book not taken into consideration, haha.

I miss writing! It was really a big part of me, still is, and I want to write, write and keep writing, about life, about love, about anything, I just want to get my thoughts out there, and not let them just sit there at the back of my mind, get old and dusty and forgotten..

My life has become pretty hectic now. It’s pretty much the same routine everyday. I wake up, breakfast, gym, shower, prepare for college, college, home, catch up on some reading/watch a movie maybe, spend sometime on the social networks, to catch up on my school friends lives, dinner, and then I’m off to bed.

I don’t sleep right away, never did. For me, the midnight contemplations are unavoidable. I think about my life, about how mechanical it is. I think about my college, the place I hate the most, perhaps. But more on that in the next post, though it might take more than one post to describe how I feel about the place.

I drift away into another world slowly, a world where I fit in, where my social awkwardness is considered normal, and where the only fake things, are the duplicates from China, heh. Where girls don’t hide behind layers of make up, and where everyday is not a competition. Where guys don’t strip you naked with their eyes, wondering whether you should blame them or yourself..

I feel like I need to get away from my robot life, escape from it all for a while, just live for me, do what I want to do, and not care whether it’s acceptable by society. Just need to let loose. To do something different, to be something different…oh how I wish I could.

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Happy beginning.

Hello!

How did you guys celebrate New Years? I was just at a small party with my friends, dance, music and good food. What else can one want? 😉

For me, 2011 was a year filled with mixed feelings, new experiences, making new friends, keeping the old ones, finding love and losing it. It was a wonderful year indeed, but, I’m glad it’s over. Like Barney Stinson had said, “New is always better.” I like to believe that.

Speaking of new, I’d like to start the year off with a diet. I’m not content with how I look, I’m not fat, but I could look better.

So if any of you guys know any ways to lose a couple of pounds real quick do let me know, I’d appreciate it. 🙂

More tomorrow.

xoxo

Sillyme.