Am I to blame?

People get into relationships to feel happy, to feel less lonely, to feel loved. To finally have that someone who they can share their happiness, their joy, their ideas, and just their life with.  These people who claim to love us, are our sort of comfort, a kind of escape from the rest of the World. Someone we can be ourselves with. Someone we can be at ease with.

I met a guy, a couple of months back. We started of as friends, and it developed into something more, I really liked him, and became sort of attached. You know the usual routine, we started hanging out alone a lot, movies, late night conversations, etc etc. And it felt right, you know? I felt happy. Until some of our friends came to know.. we panicked, we made a quick decision to tell people we were in a relationship. At first it was weird, because this was my first open relationship, the first relationship people knew about. But eventually, I got used to it, and things were getting better for us.

I realized, with time, that although I really like him, we’re very different people. We always fight, sometimes we have nothing to talk about. He doesn’t try to understand me, he has come up with some sort of explanation of the sort of person I am, and he sticks to it, thinking that he’s right. Thinking he has me all figured out. 

He feels really insecure, he get’s annoyed whenever I get a little too friendly with a guy. Which in turn annoys me as I have more guy friends than girlfriends.

I love this guy, and I try to make him happy. And I wish he could make me happy too..

I know everything about this guy, I know everything he likes and everything he hates, I know how much he hates swimming and how he loves milkshakes from that cafe across the street. I can order his food for him. I met his entire family, even though families creep me out. I know his favourite colours, and that he likes stripey shirts. I know big things, and I know little things, like even though he tries to act tough, he cried at his sister’s wedding. And I think that’s like fuck adorable.

But I call him up a couple of days ago, and I’m left shocked and heart-broken at the fact that he doesn’t remember when my birthday is..

That’s when I realised that there’s no future with him. I can try to make it work all I want, but in the end he’s gonna make me feel like I’m the one who’s wrong in this relationship. I try and I try, but I’m left lost and alone. This is not what a person does when he claims to love you more than words can explain. Haha..

 

I guess I’m just tired of trying to fix something that’s hopeless. 

 

XOXO,

Sillyme.

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Hard.

I have been away for a really long time, like a REALLY long time.

I’ve been busy with college admissions and settling in college and making new friends and whatnot.

College is not the best place ever, but I’m getting by. Like every college story, there is a guy..and like every love story, there is a complication..

Here, the complication being him completely unaware that I have feelings for him because I always treated him in the ‘friend’ way but I suddenly fell for him, he got to me..

It’s hard to look at him, and not feel bad, hard to see him flirt with other girls and tell me about it, and not feel jealous, hard to resist the urge to hold his hand whenever we’re alone. It’s just hard. I dont know how to tell him, how to let him know. And until I figure it out, it’s gonna keep being hard..

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die,
You gotta get up and try, try, try..

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XOXO,
Sillyme.

Dear X.

Dear X,

I’ve been trying to hold on to you for so long, but I realized I was holding on to a ghost, because the You that I miss is not really you anymore. You’ve changed, you’re a totally different person, and it’s foolish of me to think that you’ll ever be who you used to be, and selfish of me to ask you to do that. It hurts too much to be like this, pretending that everything’s okay, when it’s not. I can’t do this anymore, to myself and to you. I can’t keep lying anymore..

I’m letting go, and I hope it’s for real this time. I know I’m hurting you, but trust me, no one’s as hurt as I am right now. I know it’s gonna be bad now, but it’s better this way, for both of us.

I’m going to miss everything about you, your morning texts, your random calls during the day, our long conversations in the night, our silly fights, the hugs, our weird picture taking [haha], I’m gonna miss your long lectures, and all those times when you held me while I cried telling me that it’s all going to be alright. You were always right.

And now it’s your turn to listen to me when I tell you that it’s all going to be alright for us, it’ll all get better, and we’ll both be happy in the end. I promise you.

Know that I love you, and I always will.

Goodbye.

I found this letter while going through old diaries last night, and I thought I’d share it.

xoxo

Sillyme.


Confession #1.

I have a list of things I need to confess about. And I need to let it all out. So I’m gonna do it here. Starting now, here goes..

Confession #1. Sometimes I hurt people, intentionally.

I know, I know, I’m bad, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

For example. Last week, I was talking to my ex, and we were just catching up on each other’s lives and having a friendly conversation, but suddenly, I don’t know what happened, it all came back to me, how he hurt me. I know the break up wasn’t his fault but I can’t accept it any other way. So I lost control, I said some things I know I shouldn’t have, and I know I hurt him. It felt so right at the moment and i felt happy to see him hurt. Later on, when I went over our conversation, I felt terrible, but there’s nothing that I could do about that now, could I? I didn’t want to apologize, because I don’t feel I should, but it just makes me sad that I do that at times.

I don’t know if it’s okay, I don’t know if it’s wrong. But that’s who I am.

Sometimes, I feel like I am not the person I wanted to be.

But, I’m glad I’m not.  ❤

xoxo.

Sillyme.

P.S. Here’s a song for you to check out. It’s Jason Mraz’s latest and I ❤ it.

 

 

Happy beginning.

Hello!

How did you guys celebrate New Years? I was just at a small party with my friends, dance, music and good food. What else can one want? 😉

For me, 2011 was a year filled with mixed feelings, new experiences, making new friends, keeping the old ones, finding love and losing it. It was a wonderful year indeed, but, I’m glad it’s over. Like Barney Stinson had said, “New is always better.” I like to believe that.

Speaking of new, I’d like to start the year off with a diet. I’m not content with how I look, I’m not fat, but I could look better.

So if any of you guys know any ways to lose a couple of pounds real quick do let me know, I’d appreciate it. 🙂

More tomorrow.

xoxo

Sillyme.

Wrong, or right? ❤

If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                           – John Wooden.

.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my not so long life. I’ve lied to the people that trusted me, I hurt the people that loved me, I ignored the people that wanted me, I avoided the people that needed me, expecting them to be there for me when I needed them. And surprisingly, they were there for me at all times, despite the things I did and the words I said. Of course not everyone, but I’m glad, because now I know the people who can love me at my best, and handle me at my worst.

I’ve got involved in a relationship, I made a lot of mistakes there, I got my heart broken, and broken again and I’m still healing. But I’m glad, ’cause now I know what kind of people this World has to offer.

My Dad has left us this year, I don’t know if it’s my fault, but even if it is, I’m glad because now I know what a wonderful strong person my mother is, supporting me and my brother all on her own.

I’ve been ignorant to some of my duties, and I’ve learnt that there are consequences to everything, and unless you’re prepared, don’t go that way. I’m more responsible now.

I’ve grown a lot this year, and I’ve become a better person than I was last year.

I’m a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better student, and hopefully I’ll be a better girlfriend sometime soon.

I’ve become more mature and more independent now, and I can answer for my own mistakes.

So don’t let a couple of mistakes affect you, because, two wrongs always, always make a right.  ❤

xoxo

Sillyme.